How the autopsy works

Each of you answers the same six prompts about one argument, on your own: what happened, what you felt, what you needed, what you thought the other person meant, your own part in it, and what would help. When you have both finished, you see your answers side by side, one prompt at a time.

You can do it on one device, handing it over between you, or each on your own phone. If you use two phones, the first person's answers travel inside the link they send, and the second person only sees them after writing their own. Nothing is sent to us.

Why write it down separately

In the middle of a fight, each person is defending a version of events. Writing on your own, once you are calm, takes the audience away. People tend to be more honest about what they felt and needed when they are not watching the other person's face.

Reading the two versions side by side often shows something neither of you could see during the argument. You may find you were fighting about the same need from opposite ends: one wanting closeness and reaching for it with criticism, the other wanting calm and finding it by withdrawing.

What each prompt is for

  • What happened separates the facts from the meaning. Two people often agree on the facts and disagree completely on what they meant.
  • What you felt and what you needed are the heart of it. Most repeated arguments are about a need that keeps going unmet.
  • What you thought they meant shows the story each of you was reacting to. Seeing the other person's real intention can take the heat out of it.
  • Your part is the hardest, and the most useful. When both people name their share, nobody has to prove the other wrong.
  • What would help turns the conversation towards next time.

Before you start

Wait until you have both cooled down, usually at least twenty minutes and often until the next day. If you start writing and feel the anger coming back, stop and come back later.

If the same argument keeps coming back, the conflict style quiz can show the pattern you both fall into. If you want to talk it through out loud instead, the Fair Fight Timer gives you turns.

If arguments with your partner leave you afraid, this worksheet is not the right tool. Fear is a safety question, not a communication one, and a domestic abuse service can help you think it through in confidence. Find A Helpline lists free ones in your country.

The six worksheet prompts

You each answer every prompt about the same argument, without seeing the other's answers until you have both finished.

  1. What happened? Describe it the way a camera would have seen it: who said what, and when. Leave out what anyone meant by it.
  2. What did you feel? At the time, and now. Try feeling words: hurt, ignored, scared, embarrassed, overwhelmed, angry.
  3. What did you need, underneath? To be listened to, to be included, some help, some space, to feel respected?
  4. What did you think they meant? The story you told yourself about why they did it. It may or may not be true.
  5. What was your part? One thing you said or did that made it worse. Not the whole blame, just your share.
  6. What would help now, or next time? Something small and specific you would like from them, or would offer yourself.