Do the 36 questions really make people fall in love?

The original study measured closeness between strangers, not love, and found the questions created more of it than small talk did. Couples use them to learn new things about each other, which is a fair goal for an evening.

How long does it take?

Usually 45 to 90 minutes. The study gave about 15 minutes per set. There is no rush; you can stop between sets and pick it up another night.

Do we each answer every question?

Yes. In the study both people answered every question, taking turns to go first. The deck alternates who goes first for you.

36 questions to fall in love: the full list, as a card deck for two

The questions from Arthur Aron's 1997 closeness study, in our own words, in three sets that get more personal as you go. Take turns answering, then end with four minutes of looking at each other.

How the deck works

There are three sets of twelve cards, and each set goes deeper than the last. You both answer every card, and the deck tells you who goes first, swapping each time. One card in the first set asks for your life story in four minutes and has a timer on it. At the end there is a four-minute timer for the eye contact that closes the original study.

Everything runs on this phone. Nothing you say is recorded, and nothing you type is sent to us.

Where the questions come from

In 1997 the psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues published a study on whether closeness between two strangers could be built on purpose. Pairs took turns answering a set of questions that slowly asked for more personal answers, about 15 minutes per set. Compared with pairs who made small talk, they reported feeling much closer afterwards. The questions became widely known in 2015, when the New York Times published them as "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love".

The questions here follow the study's three sets, in the same order and with the same timed tasks, rewritten in our own words. The idea behind them is simple: people grow close by opening up a little at a time, in turns, to someone who responds well.

Using it as a couple

The study was about strangers, but couples who have been together for years use the questions too, and often find out something new. A few things help:

Put your phones face down, apart from this one.
Listen more than you plan your answer. The point is what you learn about the other person.
Skip a card if you need to. Some questions touch grief or childhood. Saying "not tonight" is fine.
Stop between sets if one of you is tired. The third set is worth arriving at fresh.

If you enjoyed it, the yes, no, maybe date ideas list is a lighter way to plan the next evening together.

The 36 questions to fall in love, in full

In the study's order, in three sets of twelve. You both answer each question, taking turns to go first.

Set one

Easy openers. Each of you answers every card, and you take turns going first.

If you could have anyone at all over for dinner, who would you invite?
Would you want to be famous? Famous for what?
Do you ever plan what you will say before you make a phone call? Why?
Describe a day that would be perfect for you.
When did you last sing on your own? And to someone else?
Say you live to 90. For the last 60 years you can keep either the mind or the body you had at 30. Which do you pick?
Do you have a private guess about how you will die?
Name three things the two of you seem to have in common.
What are you most thankful for in your life?
If you could change one thing about how you were brought up, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell the other person the story of your life, in as much detail as you can.
If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or skill, what would you choose?

Set two

More personal. Take your time; there is no prize for finishing quickly.

A crystal ball will truthfully answer one question about you, your life or the future. What do you ask?
What have you wanted to do for a long time and not done yet? What has stopped you?
What do you think is the biggest thing you have achieved?
What matters most to you in a friend?
Which memory do you treasure most?
Which memory is the hardest for you?
If you knew you had exactly one year left, would you live differently from now on? How?
What does friendship mean to you?
What part do love and affection play in your life?
Take turns naming something you see as a good quality in the other person, five each.
How close and warm is your family? Was your childhood happier than most, do you think?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set three

The closest set. Be honest, and be kind with what you hear.

Each of you makes three true statements that start with "we". For example: "We are both sitting here feeling..."
Finish this sentence: "I wish I had someone I could share..."
If you two were going to become close friends, what would the other person need to know about you?
Tell the other person what you like about them. Be more honest than you would be with someone you just met.
Tell the other person about a moment that embarrassed you.
When did you last cry in front of someone? And on your own?
Tell the other person something you already like about them.
Is anything too serious to joke about? What?
If tonight were your last, with no chance to speak to anyone, what would you most regret leaving unsaid? Why have you not said it yet?
Your home is on fire. Everyone, pets included, is safe, and you have time to go back for one thing. What do you save, and why?
Of everyone in your family, whose death would hit you hardest? Why?
Share a problem you have and ask how the other person would handle it. Then ask them to tell you how you seem to feel about it.

To finish, look each other in the eye for four minutes, without talking.

The 36 questions to fall in love, one card at a time