How it works

Each of you rates twenty statements about children, money, family, faith, where you will live, commitment and how you argue. You answer on your own, on one device in turns or each on your own phone. Then you see the statements side by side, with the widest gaps first and a question to open each conversation.

Why answer separately first

Most lists of questions to ask before marriage assume you will read them together and answer out loud. In practice, the person who feels differently often softens their answer to avoid an argument. Answering alone first means every gap comes from both of you, and neither of you has to be the one who raises it.

The differences that need the most time

Some differences can be met halfway, like how often to see family or how tidy a home should be. Others cannot:

  • Children. Wanting children and not wanting them has no middle ground.
  • Faith, when it shapes how children would be raised.
  • Where you live, when one of you is tied to a place by family or work.

These deserve a full conversation before a wedding, and often a counsellor. If they come up as gaps here, that is useful to know now rather than in five years.

After the check

  • Choose one gap per conversation. Twenty topics in one evening is a recipe for a fight.
  • Ask why before you ask what. Understanding what a position protects usually matters more than the position itself.
  • Write down what you agree, and what you agree to revisit.

The conflict style quiz and the money compatibility check go deeper on two of the topics that cause the most trouble in marriages.

If you notice that you never disagree openly, because one of you worries about how the other will react, take that seriously. Feeling free to disagree is a foundation, not a detail.

All 20 questions to ask before marriage

Each statement is one the check asks you both to rate, followed by the question to talk through if your answers differ.

Children

  1. I want to have children. How sure is each of us, and what would change our minds either way?
  2. If we have children, I would want one of us to stay home for the early years. Who would stay home, for how long, and what would that do to our money and careers?
  3. I would be open to adoption, fertility treatment, or other ways of becoming parents. If having children is hard for us, how far would each of us want to go?
  4. Parents should share discipline decisions equally. How were we each disciplined as children, and what would we keep or change?

Money

  1. After marriage, all our money should be shared. What would each of us want to keep separate, and why?
  2. I would be comfortable telling my partner about every debt I have. Could we each put our full financial picture on the table this month?
  3. A prenuptial agreement would be sensible for us. What would a prenup protect for each of us, and how does the idea make us feel?

Family

  1. My parents' opinions should carry weight in our big decisions. Where should our families have a say, and where should they not?
  2. I expect to care for my parents in our home if they need it. What might our parents need in twenty years, and what are each of us prepared to give?
  3. Holidays should be split fairly between our two families. Whose family do we see when, and what traditions matter most to each of us?

Faith and values

  1. Religion or spiritual practice will be an important part of our family life. What part should faith play in our home, our wedding and how we raise children?
  2. It matters to me that we vote or think alike on big political questions. Which values are non-negotiable for each of us?

Where and how we live

  1. I want to live near my family. Where could each of us imagine living for the next ten years?
  2. I would move for my partner's career. Whose career leads if a big opportunity means moving, and does that alternate?
  3. Household work should be split evenly, whoever earns more. How do we divide the work at home now, and is that what we want long-term?

Commitment

  1. Being faithful means no emotional intimacy with anyone else, not only no physical affair. Where does each of us draw the line with friendships, flirting and exes?
  2. If our marriage were in trouble, I would want us to see a counsellor. What would we each do if we were unhappy, and when would we ask for help?
  3. Divorce should be a last resort, even if we are unhappy for a long time. What would each of us consider a reason to end a marriage?

How we argue

  1. It is better to sleep on an argument than to resolve it the same night. What does each of us need when an argument gets heated? Try the conflict style quiz.
  2. I feel free to disagree with my partner without worrying about the reaction. Is there anything either of us avoids raising, and why?